Escape

     "No! Let me go, I don't want to see you! I don't want to speak to you, get out of here! Get out of my fucking life!"

     "Samantha..."

     "Don't call me that!" I continue to scream, with the tears now flowing freely. "I don't want anything to do with you! I don't care about you! Go..." 

      Choking, gasping, sobbing. My tears fall as thick and fast as the raindrops around me. I'm doing everything I can to keep from completely breaking down... It's humiliating enough, letting him see this part of me. The girl who was always sarcastic and scornful, the girl who never cried, the girl who just didn't care enough. And here I was, openly dissolving into tears. How dare I, how dare he...

    "Sam, listen to me. I'm trying to help you."

     "Don't you get it? I don't need your help, I don't need any of you. I left for a reason! Every time you chase after me, every time you try to help, you just make things worse! Just leave me alone. It's not like you're obligated to care about me! So just stop!"

     No... he's annoying as heck, but I don't want him to leave me too... Deep breath. Calm down, Sam. I need to deal with this properly -  I can cry later.

     "Aiden... just leave. It's... it's just better this way. You need to know that. I can't deal with all this right now. Just give me some time to figure things out..." I drew a shaky breath. 

     "I just wanted- "

     "I know what you tried to do for me. I appreciate it, but the truth is you don't know me well enough to know that it wasn't the right thing to do for me!" 

     Great... here come the tears again. My heartbeat grows faster... he is alarmingly close behind me.

     "Well, maybe that's the case, but I care about you too much to have just stood there and let things happen to you." 

    His hand is still gripping my arm... tighter... he's pressing closer. My heartbeats increase... what the hell is happening!?

    His other hand reaches over and tilts my chin up. Our eyes meet briefly - my tear-filled green ones and his deep, warm brown ones. 

     Closer...

     Closer...

     Our lips meet. Warmth. Peace. Safety... He holds me in that position for a few moments. Time slows, and the rest of the world fades...

     Wait, what? I'm in the middle of a mental breakdown and suddenly my best friend is kissing me... what!? I quickly pull away and open my eyes. He looks down at me with an unreadable expression. I stumble backwards, brushing auburn streaks of hair from my face...

      ...And then I turn and run. It's all I can do, to get away from that place, away from him, as far away from everything as I can possibly get. Tears blur my vision as I stumble down the stairs of the school building. I grab on to the handrail at the bottom, trying to catch my breath and collect my thoughts.

    No. 

    

    No, no, no. 

    That did not just happen. It couldn't have. 

    And yet...

    And yet he was the first to give me that feeling in a long time. What was it? That feeling of warmth, of finally being at peace... of being loved, of being safe... of belonging...

     Happiness. 

     What? Nonsense! Samantha Banks does not succumb that easily. I would not admit that a guy- THAT guy- had made me... happy. I'm not like those other girls, getting all bubbly over some trivial thing like this...! And yet, even as these thoughts cross my mind, I am subconsciously making my way back up the staircase...

     He hasn't moved. Just stood there in the rain, staring into the distance. I take a step towards him, fighting the urge to flee again.

     "Aiden..."

      He turns. Our eyes meet once more, and one look into his almost drowns me completely. So calm, steady, and certain... but there was also something else. The love behind those eyes was marbled with sadness and a subtle sort of pain.

      "Don't give me that look, Aiden. I..."

      Suddenly I find myself stumbling towards him. I fall into his arms and he holds me tightly... The warmth and security surrounds me once more. My tears are falling once again, but this time it's different. These were tears of relief- every warm drop falling releases all I've hurt over the past couple of days... 

      Once more I have fled, but this time not from him. In his arms, I have escaped the cruel world's grasp... if even for a moment. 

      One... 

      Precious....

      Moment.

      
      At long last. 

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  One year, seven months, and twelve days.

     That's how long it's been. That's how long it's been since my world had come crashing down around me. That's how long I've been keeping this heavy burden in my heart. That... is how long I've been pretending.

     One year, seven months, and twelve days.

     Still going strong. Apparently, at least. Whatever happens under cover of night is another matter. Nonetheless, the show most go on, so to speak.

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Gone

Sometimes I think about what used to be
that magical connection between you and me.
I still remember the way the snowflakes fell
they day it was all over.

I guess I'm sorry about the way it had to end,
and that's why all these letters I sign but don't send
lie around me, attempts to make a closure
for us, maybe just a little too late.

I passed you on the road today,
can't tell you how much I wanted to say
I'm sorry, but this is fate,
why can't you understand?

We really should reconcile and explain,
but I don't want to face the pain.
But you, on the other hand,
seem to think of it every day,

What happened to us?

There was magic, then it was lost,
gone like yesterday morning's frost.
Overnight, whatever we had
vanished like shadows, crumbled to dust.

Sometimes I think about what used to be,
that lost connection between you and me.
I'll always remember the way the snowflakes fell
the day it was all over.

Mortem Dolores (Sorrows of Death)

As I sit here in the dark

My tears fall in vain

Trying to wash away the pain

Still fresh and stinging.

Once again you have left me,

but this time never to return.

I don't care if it was an important life lesson to learn,

your departure was too unfair.

If my loved ones

are being torn from my side,

how can I but cry

at the injustice of this cruel joke of fate?

Over time the pain will numb

but not go away.

The irony- the only thing that stays

is the least welcome.

Death.

The word has a finality 

that frightens me.

All that has lived must die.

As for us, the living, 

we're left to find a way

to get through the remaining days

until we join our loved ones once more.

Pains

Listen, child. 

I know life is challenging

and the pain is hard to bear.

I know it can seem like

nothing will ever change for the better.

At times it will seem like the world

is bent on killing you.

It will be easier to give in to the pain

and savor your scars

maybe add a few more.

But child, we must not let them win.

Every scar, every drop of blood, every cry of pain

is saying

"I've lost, I've been defeated,

I can't take it anymore."

But child, we cannot let them win.

It is us against the world,

and we must not show weakness.

No matter how strong temptation may be,

we must put on a smile for them to see. 

Yes, it's easier said than done,

and yes, it's all been said before,

but maybe it's still being said for a reason.

Listen, child.

I know life is challenging

and the pain is hard to bear,

but don't give in to pain and temptation.

It will all be okay eventually.

I know... I've been there too.

My Song

They all told me that I was strong

but when you were gone

I was broken

Thoughts of you filled my words, my thoughts, my song.

They all told me it would be okay

even I knew the pain wouldn't stay,

but I wonder at their confidence

when it was my life, my story, my song.

They all told me he meant well,

but I felt like I was being put through hell.

I don't see why he bothers or cares 

when it's my world, my future, my song.

They all told me not to be afraid,

but my thoughts and fears weren't for them to invade.

Who were they to say it would be okay

when it was my nightmare, my tragedy, my song.

They said to be strong.

It was easier said than done,

but I listened.

And now I can honestly say- I tried.

They all told me that I was strong.

It's been so long...

Perhaps they were right, perhaps not,

but it's still my world, my story, my song.

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This and my next couple of posts are some poems that I wrote last year. I'm honestly proud of these so... enjoy~! c: