Insomnia

     I lay in bed, squinting at the narrow blade of early morning sunlight piercing through the gap in the dark blue curtains to slice through the darkness in my room. Leaning over to check the time on my phone, I let out a deep sigh. Six twenty-five am. Great. Another night slipped away behind a laptop screen and an overactive brain. I pulled a corner of the thin gray blanket up to shield my eyes and decided to try to catch a few hours anyways.

     Instantly, my mind is a multicolored ocean. A red wave of anger come first as I remember the argument someone had started with me last week. God, that person is so immature. Those assumptions, those expectations! The world isn't a perfect place, for christ's sake. One can't expect to grow up in a personal greenhouse, protected from all wind and rain. 

     Then a purple wave comes, making me smile as I remember the fluffiness of the fat and ridiculously apathetic cat lying outside the store I shopped at two days ago, and a yellow wave rolls by as I remember the joke my uncle had made- "Man, if only I was a fat fluffy cat. I could just lie here and sleep and ignore everything while every girl who walks by will stop and touch me."

     A bright orange wave makes me scowl in frustration as I am reminded of the comments some relatives had made over dinner last night. I then gag as a green wave brings back the smell of the fish they were having. 

     I sigh as a blue wave sends me the image of a serene pond surface. There's a light breeze blowing, and there are trees scattered around the bank. Some iridescent fish glint in the gentle sunlight. Hmm... not really sure of where that image is from.

     Indigo swishes by, making me sigh deeply again. My first dog's death, my first breakup, that day one of my closest friends left me... Suddenly interrupted by a gentle rosy wave. My first real kiss, the moment I found out he liked me back, and the day I realized how much I'd fallen for him. I sighed again.

     My phone buzzes. I turn and grab it eagerly, only to find it was another useless game notification. Damn it. Then I catch sight of the time- 7:58am. Crap...

 

     I can't sleep.

Escape

     "No! Let me go, I don't want to see you! I don't want to speak to you, get out of here! Get out of my fucking life!"

     "Samantha..."

     "Don't call me that!" I continue to scream, with the tears now flowing freely. "I don't want anything to do with you! I don't care about you! Go..." 

      Choking, gasping, sobbing. My tears fall as thick and fast as the raindrops around me. I'm doing everything I can to keep from completely breaking down... It's humiliating enough, letting him see this part of me. The girl who was always sarcastic and scornful, the girl who never cried, the girl who just didn't care enough. And here I was, openly dissolving into tears. How dare I, how dare he...

    "Sam, listen to me. I'm trying to help you."

     "Don't you get it? I don't need your help, I don't need any of you. I left for a reason! Every time you chase after me, every time you try to help, you just make things worse! Just leave me alone. It's not like you're obligated to care about me! So just stop!"

     No... he's annoying as heck, but I don't want him to leave me too... Deep breath. Calm down, Sam. I need to deal with this properly -  I can cry later.

     "Aiden... just leave. It's... it's just better this way. You need to know that. I can't deal with all this right now. Just give me some time to figure things out..." I drew a shaky breath. 

     "I just wanted- "

     "I know what you tried to do for me. I appreciate it, but the truth is you don't know me well enough to know that it wasn't the right thing to do for me!" 

     Great... here come the tears again. My heartbeat grows faster... he is alarmingly close behind me.

     "Well, maybe that's the case, but I care about you too much to have just stood there and let things happen to you." 

    His hand is still gripping my arm... tighter... he's pressing closer. My heartbeats increase... what the hell is happening!?

    His other hand reaches over and tilts my chin up. Our eyes meet briefly - my tear-filled green ones and his deep, warm brown ones. 

     Closer...

     Closer...

     Our lips meet. Warmth. Peace. Safety... He holds me in that position for a few moments. Time slows, and the rest of the world fades...

     Wait, what? I'm in the middle of a mental breakdown and suddenly my best friend is kissing me... what!? I quickly pull away and open my eyes. He looks down at me with an unreadable expression. I stumble backwards, brushing auburn streaks of hair from my face...

      ...And then I turn and run. It's all I can do, to get away from that place, away from him, as far away from everything as I can possibly get. Tears blur my vision as I stumble down the stairs of the school building. I grab on to the handrail at the bottom, trying to catch my breath and collect my thoughts.

    No. 

    

    No, no, no. 

    That did not just happen. It couldn't have. 

    And yet...

    And yet he was the first to give me that feeling in a long time. What was it? That feeling of warmth, of finally being at peace... of being loved, of being safe... of belonging...

     Happiness. 

     What? Nonsense! Samantha Banks does not succumb that easily. I would not admit that a guy- THAT guy- had made me... happy. I'm not like those other girls, getting all bubbly over some trivial thing like this...! And yet, even as these thoughts cross my mind, I am subconsciously making my way back up the staircase...

     He hasn't moved. Just stood there in the rain, staring into the distance. I take a step towards him, fighting the urge to flee again.

     "Aiden..."

      He turns. Our eyes meet once more, and one look into his almost drowns me completely. So calm, steady, and certain... but there was also something else. The love behind those eyes was marbled with sadness and a subtle sort of pain.

      "Don't give me that look, Aiden. I..."

      Suddenly I find myself stumbling towards him. I fall into his arms and he holds me tightly... The warmth and security surrounds me once more. My tears are falling once again, but this time it's different. These were tears of relief- every warm drop falling releases all I've hurt over the past couple of days... 

      Once more I have fled, but this time not from him. In his arms, I have escaped the cruel world's grasp... if even for a moment. 

      One... 

      Precious....

      Moment.

      
      At long last. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  One year, seven months, and twelve days.

     That's how long it's been. That's how long it's been since my world had come crashing down around me. That's how long I've been keeping this heavy burden in my heart. That... is how long I've been pretending.

     One year, seven months, and twelve days.

     Still going strong. Apparently, at least. Whatever happens under cover of night is another matter. Nonetheless, the show most go on, so to speak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gone

Sometimes I think about what used to be
that magical connection between you and me.
I still remember the way the snowflakes fell
they day it was all over.

I guess I'm sorry about the way it had to end,
and that's why all these letters I sign but don't send
lie around me, attempts to make a closure
for us, maybe just a little too late.

I passed you on the road today,
can't tell you how much I wanted to say
I'm sorry, but this is fate,
why can't you understand?

We really should reconcile and explain,
but I don't want to face the pain.
But you, on the other hand,
seem to think of it every day,

What happened to us?

There was magic, then it was lost,
gone like yesterday morning's frost.
Overnight, whatever we had
vanished like shadows, crumbled to dust.

Sometimes I think about what used to be,
that lost connection between you and me.
I'll always remember the way the snowflakes fell
the day it was all over.

Mortem Dolores (Sorrows of Death)

As I sit here in the dark

My tears fall in vain

Trying to wash away the pain

Still fresh and stinging.

Once again you have left me,

but this time never to return.

I don't care if it was an important life lesson to learn,

your departure was too unfair.

If my loved ones

are being torn from my side,

how can I but cry

at the injustice of this cruel joke of fate?

Over time the pain will numb

but not go away.

The irony- the only thing that stays

is the least welcome.

Death.

The word has a finality 

that frightens me.

All that has lived must die.

As for us, the living, 

we're left to find a way

to get through the remaining days

until we join our loved ones once more.

Pains

Listen, child. 

I know life is challenging

and the pain is hard to bear.

I know it can seem like

nothing will ever change for the better.

At times it will seem like the world

is bent on killing you.

It will be easier to give in to the pain

and savor your scars

maybe add a few more.

But child, we must not let them win.

Every scar, every drop of blood, every cry of pain

is saying

"I've lost, I've been defeated,

I can't take it anymore."

But child, we cannot let them win.

It is us against the world,

and we must not show weakness.

No matter how strong temptation may be,

we must put on a smile for them to see. 

Yes, it's easier said than done,

and yes, it's all been said before,

but maybe it's still being said for a reason.

Listen, child.

I know life is challenging

and the pain is hard to bear,

but don't give in to pain and temptation.

It will all be okay eventually.

I know... I've been there too.

My Song

They all told me that I was strong

but when you were gone

I was broken

Thoughts of you filled my words, my thoughts, my song.

They all told me it would be okay

even I knew the pain wouldn't stay,

but I wonder at their confidence

when it was my life, my story, my song.

They all told me he meant well,

but I felt like I was being put through hell.

I don't see why he bothers or cares 

when it's my world, my future, my song.

They all told me not to be afraid,

but my thoughts and fears weren't for them to invade.

Who were they to say it would be okay

when it was my nightmare, my tragedy, my song.

They said to be strong.

It was easier said than done,

but I listened.

And now I can honestly say- I tried.

They all told me that I was strong.

It's been so long...

Perhaps they were right, perhaps not,

but it's still my world, my story, my song.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This and my next couple of posts are some poems that I wrote last year. I'm honestly proud of these so... enjoy~! c:

remember that thing you wanted so badly?
that which you were so jealous of me for
well, let me tell you this-
it's not all you thought it would be.
it's not, it's really not.
i'm being dragged into my own living nightmare
and forced to keep secrets.
i won't say i didn't enjoy it
but there's such a price to pay.

the fakeness these days
just because i'm gullible
and weak
well, you should be happy
you avoided all this.

you knew the complications
you didn't care
you wanted it anyways
you're lucky you didn't get it.
i got it.
it's... not a good thing.
trust me.

--

for the person who this is to,
you might not ever see this
but i tried.

My Heart Will Go On

     1:00 a.m.

 

      Memories flood my mind. Things I had sworn never to think about ever again. Things I'd made myself promise to forget. All those efforts for nothing, I thought, as the tears streamed down my face. As the tiny stream of music emitted by my dangling earbud invaded my mind, images begin to emerge. I blink hard, trying to bat away the tears and thoughts at the same time. This music... cheesy, sappy, but so very painfully nostalgic... Remnants of that time when it was all I could bear to listen to. Now it haunts my mind endlessly as insomnia and stabs of longing slowly drive me insane.

     Longing. Do I really long for my past? The very same past that I had tried hard to forget, the very same past I avoided talking about at all costs, the very same past that had cost me so dearly? It cannot be. Yet somehow, I do... because pain is bittersweet. The story had such a tragic, idyllic allure. There was pain, of course, but amongst the painful moments there were happy ones. The ones I treasured so dearly, knowing that there would not be many more. Then there was the period of time I had almost managed to forget the hurt and be completely normal, happy almost. But... wounds like this never heal completely. Scars remain, and if something touches the spot, it will hurt. No matter how long it's been or how hard you try not to remember, how hard you attempt to barricade the memories...

     As I lie alone in the dark, I realize how little I've really healed and recovered. If something as slight as a song randomly played on YouTube could cause so many tears, what would happen to me when I am forced to return and face my fears? There is always a confrontation with the self sooner or later, and if I am still this sensitive, how will I survive that moment?

     I normally try not to let myself show weakness like this. Depressed, upset, angry- that I can do; but this... is different. This is sinking into suppressed emotions so deep that I am literally afraid of drowning in my own tears. This is a whole other level of truth. Truth I cannot bear to face.

     1:30 a.m.

     I begin to fall asleep with tears and mascara stains covering my face. In the morning I'll be alright, but for now, I am vulnerable. I am exposed- the masked act I put up for society is temporarily gone. I wipe away the tears and start to learn to accept... past, present and future, my own.

Eulogy

     "And now, Miss Hailey's closest friend, Jade DeVille, would like to say a few words..."

     I stood up shakily in a teary haze, trying not to trip over my long black skirt and formal shoes. As I slowly made my way towards the podium in front of the chapel where my best friend's funeral was taking place, I took deep, shuddering breaths trying to regain my composure. I felt light-headed from what felt like days of nothing but tears, choking, gasping, sobbing...

     Hailey had been my best friend since first grade. That made it almost a decade of friendship. We'd been like any other pair of best friends, sharing almost everything to the point where we had been virtually inseparable. Our families, as a result, had become closer too, and by middle school we pretty much were family. Hailey was one of those girls who everyone just naturally knew and liked, and she knew it too. I was not one of those people, and without her I basically would have ended up a social loner. She was such a large part of my life that from a certain point on I had begun to take her for granted. Then one day the phone call came; apparently Hailey and her entire family had been in a car accident. My parents and I had rushed to the hospital, and the rest of her family were not severely injured, but she passed away quietly the next day. I simply collapsed. I felt so lost without my best friend, and for once in my life I had no where to go, no one to talk to. I shut myself in my room and cried for days. Whenever I thought I could almost stand up again, something so insignificant would happen and bring back such intense memories that I would dissolve into tears once more. And so it went on until today, the memorial.

     Now I stood in front of a chapel full of people, including family, schoolmates, and others. Suddenly I had no idea what to say. I had planned out an entire eulogy the night before, when my tears had almost stopped for once, but now my mind was empty except for the one terrible haunting fact: the most important person in my life was gone, never to return. I fought the wrenching sobs as hard as a could, but a few escaped and echoed around the room. Some in the crowd made a few sympathetic noises; otherwise there was nothing but respectful silence. When I had calmed down a little, I looked up and took another deep breath. I then simply said the first things that came to my mind,

     "Hailey was my best friend, and I will never forget her. Neither will any of you who knew her, I believe, and that is what really matters. During her short fourteen years of life, Hailey has befriended so many of us and given us so many precious memories. I know that as long as we remember and love her, she will never truly be gone. Yea, I know everyone has heard that way too many times, and I know that no matter what it will never be the same. She will never be back here, with us, and there's no denying that I will miss her more than anything. However, sometimes life does this to us to teach us something. We now know that life is short, and you never know what might happen tomorrow. Never assume or take anything for granted, and live each day like it is your last. Treasure everything and everyone, because you never know how much longer it or they will be around. I think that I say this for Hailey as much as for me: instead of mourning for our loss today, let us take a moment and truly appreciate what we still have..."

The Happenings at Endicott Manor

       This is the 1st installment of a story I'm writing... more to come!


     I shivered in the cold December night air and huddled tighter under my thin jacket.  Strands of my long, caramel-colored hair escaped my ponytail and blew across my face as I walked down the sidewalk under the flickering street-lights. Somewhere, downtown probably, a clock began to chime. Once, twice, three times... I counted the bells: it was 11pm. I turned and headed home.

     As I neared the old mansion, I could see that the windows were dark. It appeared to be empty and abandoned, and it seemed sad, in a way. Lonely, even. I stealthily pushed open the ancient carved oak doors and slipped in, careful not to let them bang shut behind me. Any noise was heard coming from the "haunted" Endicott Manor would be sure to cause a commotion amongst the townspeople. Inside, it was surprisingly new and well-furnished. I ran up the spiral staircase and down the carpeted hall upstairs to the big double doors at the end, threw them open, and crash-landed on the comfy old fashioned four-poster bed within with a sigh of relief.

     One of the many doors leading out of my room opened, and a petite girl with long chestnut hair popped her head in.

     "Alex! you're back!" she stepped into my room. Her wide eyes were full of laughter and curiosity. I smiled.

     "Still up, Stella?"

     Before she could answer, the next door opened and a tall blonde girl came out rubbing her eyes.

     "Honestly! can't you let a girl get her beauty sleep!? Oh hey Alex. Back from another late night walk, huh?"

     " They help me think, Amber. You know I've had a lot on my mind..."

     " Oh my. Quite the troubled teen, aren't we?" The drawling, sarcastic voice came from the shadows beyond the 3rd door. I rolled my eyes.

     " Oh shut up, Kat!" I yelled as the owner of the sarcastic voice stepped out from behind the door. Amber stifled a girly giggle, and Stella's eyes danced with merriment. Kat smirked, and suddenly we were all laughing. It's generally that way, with my friends and me living alone in that "abandoned" house. We laugh at pretty much nothing, and yet at the same time, it seems like so much to the emptiness. I surveyed my friends: Stella, in her light blue pj's with the star pattern, with her straight bangs and sleek chestnut hair down to her waist. She was small for her age, standing probably no more than 5 feet. Her big green eyes were framed in long dark lashes, and they sparkled incessantly, always smiling, full of life and spirit.

     Then there was Amber. Tall, around 5'5" maybe, with the ends of her perfect blonde curls tumbling about her elbows. She wore a white lacy nightgown which looked surprisingly stylish draped on her model-like figure. Piercing dark blue eyes contrasted sharply with the fair skin and hair. Amber was the perfect princess stereotype, personality and all: girly, romantic, and all the rest.

     Katrina was, if anything, the complete opposite of Amber. Straight dark hair in a high ponytail and side bangs nearly covering one eye, dark eyes that had a hint of violet. Her face and features were sharp, and she always seemed to be either smirking or scowling. Despite the cold, all she was wearing was a black graphic tee with a gray swirl pattern and black shorts. Kat had a deep slightly raspy voice that went perfectly with her sarcastic attitude.

     Then there was... me. Alex. Caramel-colored waves loosely braided, with wispy side bangs always getting in the way. Brown eyes and still dressed in grey hoodie and black jeans. I can't exactly describe my own personality fairly, I guess, so I will leave that for you to determine.

     So there we were: 4 girls in an mansion that was evidently not as "haunted" or "abandoned" as it seemed. Why, you ask? Well, that is a long story...
    

Why Blue Roses?

     I have often been asked why I love blue roses, and if you are reading this I'm pretty sure you are too.

     Blue roses, sadly, do not occur in nature, but they are quite significant in literature. Generally they represent the impossible and unattainable, as in lost love. An alternative meaning is enchantment, mystery, and the inexplicable. Such allure!

     To me, blue roses also symbolize dreams: enchanting, mysterious, and out of reach. And so I have chosen as my talisman... the blue rose.